Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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