Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
