FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
