You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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