Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
