Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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