she woke up with a sticky ear
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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