he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
