you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
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Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
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Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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