Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
