6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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