my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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