Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
