u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
