so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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