yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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