I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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