i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
