Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
third nipple confirmed
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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