i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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