the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
