then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
