I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
