There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
