i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
