This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
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Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
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Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
50% drunk capacity currently
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?