just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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