I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back