hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
