The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
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He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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