This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
