Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
