You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
