I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
