First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
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I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
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I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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