so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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