I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The uberlube is also flammable
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
