I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.