You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
