I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Then you guys just all showered together...?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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