his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
