call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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