when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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