Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
