before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I want to be your penis for a week.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
