The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
