Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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