Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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