i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
