my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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