he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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