so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
