If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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