I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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