Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
