just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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