i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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