we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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