go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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