she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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