i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
