she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
