it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
sarcasm needs its own font
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
